Learning to Carry Grief: Finding Your Way Through the Loss of a Loved One
"Grief is just love with no place to go." — Jamie Anderson
I remember that day like it was yesterday...the moment I said goodbye to my mom over the phone, knowing it would be the last time I would ever speak to her. It was the early hours of July 4, 2024.
I find it so ironic that she passed on a day we traditionally celebrated together as a family. July 4th usually meant barbecues, seafood boils, line dancing, family, laughter, and ending the evening with fireworks. I never thought I would lose my mom so suddenly.
After a course of cancer treatment for multiple myeloma, she endured side effects that were too harsh to bear. What we thought could be a life-saving treatment ultimately became part of the course that led to her loss. I don't blame medicine. As we all know, treatments come with risks, and sometimes we are faced with incredibly difficult circumstances and decisions. Unfortunately, my best friend did not make it.
And encountering this thing called grief has been and continues to be an experience I am still learning to navigate to this very day.
So, What Exactly Is Grief?
According to Psychology Today, grief is the emotional response to loss. It can be incredibly painful and all-encompassing because, in many ways, grief reflects the depth of what we have loved and lost.
It can also be described as the internal experience of loss, which is different from mourning—how grief is expressed outwardly or the acts done as a result of grief. Grief can be incredibly painful and all-encompassing because, in many ways, grief reflects the depth of what we have loved and lost. Grief, normally comes in waves that softens over time; when it instead stays constant, unrelenting, and keeps you from living your life many months later, that is prolonged grief disorder which is a recognized, treatable condition. However, most people adapt without professional intervention. And grief isn't limited to the loss of a person. We can grieve relationships, dreams, health, careers, communities, pets, routines, and versions of ourselves. When grief follows the loss of a loved one, it can also bring feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, confusion, relief, longing, and even moments of joy. Sometimes several of these emotions can exist at the same time. People can grieve differently depending on the person lost, whether it is a spouse, child, friend, parent, grandparent, etc. It is also not limited to the loss of a person. Grief can occur with aspirations, health, careers, communities, pets, routines or hobbies, and versions of ourselves.
Within the course of grief, there is a range of emotions may surface during the course of grief including feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, confusion, relief, longing, and eve n moments of joy. Sometimes, several of these emotions can exist simultaneously.
There is no perfect way to grieve and no specific timeline. Grief is a unique experience that will be different for every person. It is also not a “problem” to be solved; rather, it is an experience we learn to navigate and learn how to carry in a way that becomes tolerable for us.
Here are some of the things I have learned about grief and how to cope with losing someone you love:
Understand That Grief Will Present Itself in Different Ways
Grief has a lot of ups and downs. For me, it felt like a roller coaster. It can also look very different depending on who you are grieving. Losing a spouse, child, parent, sibling, or friend can all bring different experiences depending on the relationship you shared with that person. There is no shame or guilt in having a grief experience that looks different from someone else's. I remember having moments when I would see pictures of my mother and feel joy because it felt like a piece of her was still with me.
Then, months later, I might have to put those same pictures away because looking at them brought an immense amount of pain and sadness. Even the simplest and most unexpected things can become triggers.
A song.
A particular meal.
A smell.
A street you used to drive down.
A television show or movie.
A piece of clothing.
A familiar perfume or scent.
Grief can show up when you least expect it. And it doesn't simply disappear. I've learned that grief isn't something you necessarily "get over." Instead, over time, you learn how to carry it differently.
For those supporting someone who is grieving, remember that grief can change from day to day. Continue to offer support, patience, and space when needed. You don't always have to have the right words. Sometimes simply being there matters most.
Grant Yourself Grace
Because grief fluctuates, it can be hard to keep up with everything you once did. Maybe you process things a little more slowly. Maybe you're not as productive. Maybe you need more breaks. Maybe things that once brought you joy suddenly feel difficult to do. For me, grief was painful at times, and there were times when I wasn't able to do things I normally loved, like writing or reading. I had to give myself permission to slow down. I was also learning how to work with patients experiencing grief while simultaneously navigating my own. I realized that I couldn't expect myself to function exactly as I had before my loss. Eventually, I began writing again. I started reading again. I slowly began finding my "groove" again.
But it took time. Grief can sometimes look like depression, and it is important to pay attention when symptoms become severe or significantly interfere with your ability to function. If you find yourself struggling to cope, professional support can be incredibly helpful. And if you are experiencing a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please seek immediate help. In the United States, you can call or text 988 for free, confidential crisis support, available 24/7. If you are experiencing an immediate medical emergency, call 911.
Most importantly, give yourself grace. Processing loss takes time. Sometimes you have to slow things down before you can begin moving forward again.
Focus on the Simple Things for Self-Care
When you are grieving, sometimes you only have enough energy for the basics.
Eat.
Sleep.
Take a shower.
Brush your teeth.
Drink some water.
Get dressed.
Take a walk.
And sometimes, that is all you can do.
Prioritize your basic needs and simplify your responsibilities when you can. You don't have to accomplish everything while you're carrying a heavy loss. Most things can wait. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It is part of healing and can give you a sense of peace.
Stay Connected to Community
Find your community. It might be family , friends, your church, a support group, a trusted coworker/colleague, a mentor, or a therapist. You may not always have the words to describe what you are experiencing but haivng someone there who can sit with you and be present is prececious and helpful. It is also okay to want some time alone when you first experience a loss. Sometimes you need quiet to process what has happened. I remember needing this when it first happened since it was so unexpected. But I also encourage you not to completely isolate yourself.
Let people love you, check on you, bring you dinner, or sit beside you. You don't have to carry everything alone.
Get Help and Support If You Need It
It's okay to ask for help. There is no weakness in this but immense courage. If you find yourself struggling with grief, consider seeking professional support through individual therapy, grief counseling, support groups, or other appropriate mental health resources. You may also need to communicate with your employer, school, or other responsibilities about what you are experiencing. Sometimes giving yourself a little more flexibility can make a meaningful difference.
Final Thoughts on Grief
Grief is a delicate part of being human. Losing someone you love is hard, and there isn't a specific point where the grief simply disappears. Instead, I think we learn how to carry it. As I process my own grief, I've come to see grief as another expression of love. I think the hardest part for me initially was feeling like I had all of this love for my mom, but suddenly there was nowhere for that love to go.
It felt stuck... and that feeling was incredibly painful.
Over time, though, I began to think about what I could do with that love.
I could honor her legacy.
I could tell stories about her and laugh.
I could carry and share wisdom what she taught me.
I could allow my experience to make me more compassionate toward other people who are hurting.
I could use my own experience to better understand the patients and families I encounter in my work.
I could increase my faith.
My grief is still here with me and I think it means I loved her deeply. And now I'm learning how to carry that love differently.
This process has been quite the transition also with changing family dynamics, finances, assets, etc. With 4th of July as the anniversary, I choose to celebrate the amazing, fun traditions we had with gratitude and excitement but I can still honestly feel the pain too. I embrace both and that's okay.
If you are grieving, I encourage you to find your own way to carry your grief in a way that makes the burden a little lighter. Maybe that means taking a trip to a place you wanted to travel to together, looking at old photos, eating their favorite meal or praying more. Or maybe it simply means allowing yourself permission to let yourself feel whatever you feel that day. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you want to. Feel angry if it comes up althought not acting on it.
Grief is inevitably something many of us will face if we have the courage to love deeply. The biggest thing I want you to remember is this: You are not alone, and you don't have to carry grief alone.
And if you know someone who is grieving—especially if the loss is recent—don't feel like you need to know exactly what to say. Instead of asking for all the details of the loss, you might simply ask:
"How can I support you right now?"
Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do is simply lean on one another. Grief is a part of life that we often struggle to carry alone. But maybe we were never meant to carry it alone.
Resources for Grief
If you are struggling with grief, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional, grief counselor, support group, faith community, or trusted loved one.
For those experiencing significant emotional distress or a mental health crisis in the United States, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available by call, text, or chat 24/7.
Prayer For Losing a Loved One
Dear Heavenly Father,
My heart is hurting right now. Someone I love is no longer physically with me, and I am struggling to understand how to carry this loss. Thank You for the life I had with this person. Thank You for the memories, the laughter, the lessons, and the love we shared. When I feel overwhelmed by grief, remind me that You are near. Help me lean on You and on the people who love me.
Remind me that I do not have to carry this alone. Give me peace when I cannot find the words, comfort when I feel the ache of missing them, and hope for the days ahead.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
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